When was the last time you sat staring at your computer, wracking your brain for a decent topic to write about? While going about a typical day, do you get headaches or tension in your neck and shoulders? How about vague feelings of doom? And does it seem like no matter how hard you try, you can't stop worrying about a myriad of problems? Stress affects everyone differently and can manifest in many different ways. For me, it usually shows up as feeling uncomfortable and nervous. Some describe their stress as a constant, internal pressure or simply feeling "on edge," while others get sweaty palms, a racing heart or sudden panic attacks. Stress can be situational or ongoing, fleeting or pervasive. But no matter how powerless you may feel in the moment, you are in charge of regulating your emotional response. You may not realize it, but you are making the choice when you allow burgeoning anxiety to ruin your day. Luckily, you don't have to give your time and energy to thoughts that stress you out. If experiencing stress was like taking a class with a D-Clearance, then these negative thoughts are akin to pre-requisites; if you disregard them, the odds you'll experience stress are exponentially lower. So let's say you didn't sleep well, skipped breakfast, and during your morning commute, you can't stop thinking about how miserable and pathetic your life has become. By the time you park, everything seems completely bleak and hopeless, and you're so depressed you don't even want to attend class. Unchallenged cognitive distortions build upon one another and take you down an unnecessary downward spiral that typically results in distress and disenchantment. They're avoidable and usually leave you alone if you don't engage whatsoever. Let them pass without questioning their logic and observe them, but only for what they are: momentary, random thoughts wishing you'd buy into them. Be cautious, because cognitive distortions will try to provoke, lure, and imbed themselves within your psyche. Don't even try them on for size, out of boredom, nor just for fun. When you interact with a cognitive distortion, you are, in effect, elevating something imaginary (your own perceptions) into something very real and formidable. A thought only exists while you're paying attention to it. You have far more power than what goes on inside your head; even if you stress over factors that you can't control, you aren't powerless--you can control how you react when faced with stress. So, how do you cope with your anxiety? Do you try to ignore stress? Pretend it doesn't exist? Are you solution-oriented? Think of the last time you felt really stressed out and ask yourself if you were able to adeptly manage a reasonable emotional response and swiftly move on with your life.
Believe it or not, over time everyone develops a unique relationship with stress. There's a give and take involved, forming an inner dialogue. Many people benefit from personifying uncomfortable thoughts as coming from an antagonistic "inner critic." If you don't challenge this pessimistic voice, before you know it, fear takes on an insidious domino effect; one negative thought can quickly spiral into an incessant stream of negative self-loathing. Sometimes, you wind up in Worst Case Scenario Mode, continuously driving yourself crazy with "what if" questions; this is when you envision some horribly daunting, yet extremely unlikely outcome to a your circumstances. Sure, the odds that life with unfold according to your worst nightmare are practically nil, yet you find yourself stuck and somehow convinced that an irrational fear will inevitably occur. Do your best to avoid falling into the trap of WCS-Mode because it's fruitless and won't benefit you in the long run.
Now let's move on to strategy. What help's me is to take a step back and re-frame my stress from a neutral, objective perspective. First, I try and remember times where I've been in a similar predicament, and take a mental note of what actually happened. This strategy is helpful because it helps me remember that 1. I've been here before, 2. The issue at hand wasn't as bad as I initially thought, and 3. Everything turned out (for the most part) okay. In other words, you can bring yourself back to present time and detach yourself from the emotional intensity of your current anxiety by finding a few concrete examples where you managed to overcome similarly stressful experiences and it wasn't the end of the world. At this point, hopefully you'll calm down enough to logically re-assess your options moving forward and come up with a more practical solution rather than freak yourself out or start hysterically crying in the fetal position.
And I'm not the only one who finds the above method useful; it's actually a popular therapeutic exercise that I learned a few years ago in a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy seminar (click for more information on Cognitive Restructuring) If you're overwhelmed with academic pressure, take a cue from retired professor Stanley Abbot and "set the terms of your relationship with stress" to regain a sense of control. In his book, Enjoy Stress, Abbot explains that having a good sense of humor is key because laughter "decreases levels of stress hormones like cortisol and adrenal, causes endorphin levels to rise, and strengthens our immune system." According to the Mayo Clinic, hormones alone can significantly "disrupt all your body's processes." If left unaddressed, the consequences can wreck havoc on your health by inducing physiological and psychological problem such as depression, heart disease, impaired memory, and insomnia. You've probably heard about the body's "fight-or-flight" reaction to a perceived threat. When we're overtaken by fear, the hypothalamus responds automatically to help us survive. During pre-historic times, this "hard-wired" cascading reaction was probably very useful to ensure the survival of our species. Even though the world is a lot safer in this day and age, evolution occurs gradually, meaning everyone's still capable of activating fight-or-flight. And depending on your genetic makeup, your body's emergency response may get inadvertently triggered too easily, eventually over-exposing your brain to the aforementioned damaging hormones.
So what can you do about it? Well, when contemplating stress-reduction tactics, there's always the tired and true traditional route of eating healthier, getting proper sleep, ample hydration, and legitimate aerobic exercise like "brisk walking or swimming." (note to self: find out what constitutes "brisk") But what happens if none of the above does the trick and you're still excusing yourself from work every few hours to chain-smoke or scream expletives in your car? In today's society, it's not unusual to see a medical professional for a prescription to artificially force the brain to calm down. In the short-term, this could be an easy, comfortable, seemingly effortless solution. However, the human brain is vigilant and smart enough to know when it can throw in the towel and clock-out. In other words, by consistently taking medication that reduces glutamate or enhances GABA (the preeminent inhibitory neurotransmitter), you're basically telling your brain to take the day off since you've got it covered. In other words, your brain concludes that it no longer has to participate in regulating millions of neurotransmitters that help you relax.
I admit, at times I've been a fan of taking the easy way out and incorporating an anti-anxiolytics into my evening routine. After a month-long rendezvous with my seemingly miraculous new nightcap, I definitely paid the price. Not only did my tolerance increase, but I wound up so dependent on the medication that skipping a dose was (in terms of discomfort) equivalent to the most horrifying day of my life (AKA the day I showed up to Pre-K wearing ruffled pink socks when everyone else had on their Halloween costumes. I remember sobbing uncontrollably and hiding in humiliation...nobody wants to end up this way: completely screwed, the only kid in class without a costume, it's just not okay) So if you're currently in the middle of making your handy dandy, stress-reducing, "coping strategy" toolkit, it best not include anything pharmaceutical. But I trust that my powerful anecdote has moved you on an such an intrinsic level, you wouldn't even consider ingesting potent, mind-altering chemicals packaged and sold under the guise of weird palindromes like "xanax."
Look, I've got your best interests at heart. I would never recommend solutions for serious neurophysiological conditions, especially since I'm not at all qualified to give advice and currently have approximately zero official credentials in the health sciences (albeit for a totally unnecessary but dutifully self-imposed Coursera curriculum that will award me a lovely certificate of recognition that looks surprisingly professional from afar). I am, however, very thorough and have spent a lengthy amount of time researching your options for stress management. In addition to the more obvious activities that sound super impressive when mentioned casually at parties (as if meditating for a full hour every day isn't daunting whatsoever) there are some quicker, effective alternatives out there that are way more feasible if you're pressed for time. For example, there are tons of new apps where you can customize your own mini guided meditation that can help you fall asleep, stop snacking when bored, etc. Plus, some are only a minute or two long, which means there's a very good chance you'll get through the entire recording! 👍
From a philosophical standpoint, change and uncertainty are two of the most common pre-cursors to feeling stressed. They're uncomfortable, unpredictable factors that can screw up even the most carefully configured life plan in seconds. They're also synchronous because they show up in tandem, which is rather unsettling. It's akin to a one-two punch, which makes their impact even greater. For example, let's say you have to move back home to take care of an ailing relative. Packing up and relocating=change. Leaving the life you've grown accustomed to and starting fresh somewhere else=change. Saying goodbye to your current relationships=change. Not knowing if/when said family member can overcome an illness and get well, nor if you'll wind up alone, nor if you can make new friends, nor find a job that's right for you=uncertainty. While uncertainty is often ambiguous, the concept of change indicates transformation; some aspect of your life will evolve and go from point A to point B. In this sense, this process isn't singular, but continuous. Not to sound cliche, but one change leads to another, and so on and so forth. Your life will ebb and flow, period. Therefore, no matter how much we all may loathe change, it's life's only constant (at least that's what Heraclitus of Ephesus said), so it'll serve you to be open-minded and replace ineffective coping mechanisms with healthier habits.
The brain is like slow-drying clay; the more you repeat a certain thought-behavior pattern, the more engrained it becomes as you age, meaning it's all the more difficult to stop doing it. Being a creature of habit literally trains your neurons to follow a specific, pre-determined route as if you're on auto-pilot. So if you notice a habit is hurting you rather than helping, don't be like Pavlov's Dogs and take action to recondition yourself. Luckily, our brains continue evolving, so it's never too late to learn something new and better yourself. Back in junior high, I remember being told that neuro-plasticity stopped around age 26. In fact, my mom actually used this myth to scare me into taking weekly piano lessons, singing lessons, tennis lessons, ballet class, yoga, gymnastics, and downhill skiing all before I turned six...and if I even so much as thought about quitting, she'd sigh and catechize about how someday I'll deeply regret not knowing how to read sheet music nor oder a baguette in French. Before leaving me by myself to dwell upon a miserable future full of life-long regret and toxic shame, she'd close with a somewhat ominous comment like, "just wait, one day you'll say, 'wow, I should have listened to my mom!'" It's now becoming quite clear that I was destined to be an anxious individual, but enough about me--let's talk about perspective.
It's surprisingly helpful to evaluate which specific external and internal factors are contributing to your current stress. This way, you can get a clearer sense of what you can control versus everything that's out of your control, so that you don't waste your energy trying to problems that are truly out of your hands. Once you have a keen understanding of the elements at play, bullet-point some small yet productive steps you can realistically take to improve your situation. You'll be able to move forward with efficiency and clarity when you start taking action. One trap you don't want to fall into is passivity and pointlessly dwelling on what's already occurred in the past. No matter how much regret, guilt, shame, or anger you feel about something you screwed up last week, last month, or last year--let it go. There's nothing you can do about it right now. Instead of fixating on everything you "should" have done differently, focus on what you can do in the present moment. I know it can be hard not to replay your reel of worst moments over and over again, but continuing to beat yourself up for your shortcomings will only hurt your self-esteem. Remember that what ever may have happened, you probably did the best you could, which at the end of the day is really all we can do in life.
I want to leave you with one last exercise you can do in your spare time (but only if you feel like it). It's a short, easy self-assessment that's perfect for when you're stuck in traffic, waiting in line at the grocery store, or show up to class five minutes early. The more you practice this method during an anxiety attack, the more effortless it will become. Before long, you'll be a pro at swiftly employing this technique and stopping a panic in its tracks before it escalates into an emotional crisis. Begin by merely observing your stream-of-conscious thoughts without judging nor trying to control them. Next, pinpoint which repetitive thoughts re-occur more than the others. Even if your mind is going a hundred miles per hour and your thoughts are a jumbled, all-over-the-place mess, can you find a few one-liners that keep making you feel worse? These are the unpleasant, cynical catchphrases that simply refuse to get the heck out of your head. They're pervasive, depressing, and usually the main culprits responsible for perpetuating stress. Instead of supporting you to ride the wave of your anxiety like a pro, they instigate, rev you up, and exhaust your energy reserves for no reason whatsoever--sort of like an uninvited, sinister Stress Mantra. And by "mantra" I don't mean an inspiring Sanskrit phrase that helps you follow the Eightfold Path. For starters, Stress Mantras are more delusional rather than accurate. Yet they're intimidating because they use your innermost fears as fuel when ever you’re feeling vulnerable. Deep down, you may logically realize these cognitive suggestions have little basis in reality, but you nonetheless find yourself buying into them over time.
Okay, so your mind is going a mile a minute, you've spotted your self-destructive, re-occuring thoughts, now what? Grab a piece of paper, write them down word-for-word and use that brilliant analytical mind of yours deconstruct the sh*t out of them. Imagine you're a lawyer and your job is to prove the invalidity of these thoughts. Look for black-and-white, "all-or-nothing" words (like should, must, can't, won't, never, always) and circle them. Then circle all unfounded assumptions, predictions and opinions that lack sufficient proof. If something else stands out as particularly mean (stuff that you'd never say to anybody but yourself) like expletive put-downs or acerbic Ad Hominem attacks, circle these too. Is your page is full of pessimistic, blanket statements? If anything you've written is along the lines of “I suck at EVERYTHING!” Or “I’m NEVER going to be successful!” then you're suffering from the fallacy of binary thinking. You've raised the stakes to be disproportionally intense, a matter of life-and-death. You honestly think that something as trivial as a breakup or C- will completely and utterly destroy every single itty bitty facet of your existence? I doubt you can list more than ten reasons as to why that fender bender means your entire life plan is permanently ruined.
Does your page of negative self-talk contain the word “should” three or more times? This indicates that you're imposing somebody else's world view upon yourself. It's not like you were born with firm beliefs about how one ought to live life; you most likely learned all of these from an authority figure like your parents or teachers during childhood. If this isn't the case, why are you holding yourself to extremely high standards that are nearly impossible to achieve? It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy; of course you're going to feel like crap if you keep finding fault with yourself while discounting the positive. Consider eliminating all should’ve’s and oughta’s from your vocabulary because these words are reserved for elementary school teachers and those extended family members that everbody secretly wishes didn’t get invited to Thanksgiving dinner. Know that some people truly believe they’re helping you when giving unwanted advice and critique; these people are called Narcissists because they regard both themselves and their slew of opinions as more important than everybody else’s. Don’t attach any weight to this commentary because it probably has nothing to do with you; narcissists typically project their insecurities onto others in attempt to feel better about themselves. Simply nod, pretend to agree and find an excuse to leave the room. Contrary to popular belief, you can actually choose not to care about something! It's liberating and doesn't at all make you a selfish person. In fact, there’s an acclaimed book that's continued to top the charts for years now, entitled "The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck." It gets straight to the point and uncovers the many benefits of doing just what the title says. It would actually be a sage choice to immediately stop reading this post and begin this book instead. Literally, close your browser and find your Kindle or a nearby Barnes & Noble, I won't take it personally. But it’s equally awesome to read it tomorrow, or next year, or never. It's totally up to you! Your life, your call.
In conclusion, stress can be confusing because it's so subjective. It'll mess with you—but only if you allow it. Remember that stress doesn't have to negatively impact you and can even become enjoyable depending on your outlook. An experience that one person may find scintillating can make somebody else pass out in terror (I was going to insert a joke here about that Australian guy who loved to stick his head in a crocodile's mouth all the time, but then I remembered reading that he died from some unfortunate stingray mishap, so that would have been in ill-taste). My point is that you’re the one who decides just how much power--or lack thereof--any given thought can hold. You’re like a gatekeeper determining the content of your mind. I hope that you're feeling empowered and at ease, knowing that from now on, you'll be deciding if Random Worry #1 gets blocked or granted entrance to your consciousness. Be stingy with your emotions and set the terms; most thoughts don't warrant your response. And the more you get to know yourself, your particular sensibilities, cognitive patterns and emotional triggers, the more sufficiently equipped and capable you’ll be of expertly managing stress.
Resourceshttps://positivepsychologyprogram.com/cbt-cognitive-restructuring-cognitive-distortions/https://medium.com/@alltopstartups/want-to-rewire-your-brain-for-meaningful-life-changes-do-these-things-immediately-119ea0904e38https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/stress/art-20046037https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/exercise-and-stress/art-20044469https://www.realsimple.com/health/mind-mood/stress/habits-of-people-who-dont-stress
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